traci_m

It's been so hard to be online. . .to do much of anything. I was very close to my father, and while no death is expected or usually wanted, his was quick. He was only 56. He had a cough that would not go away, but no other symptoms, so he put off going to the doctor. But it started not letting him sleep very much, so my mom insisted he go to the ER. We were all supposed to go to a pow wow that night, and he sent me on, saying he would make it the next day. It was grandparent's weekend and he had taken my son into the circle every year. This was the first year he would take my daughter too.

I called as soon as the pow wow let out that night and my mom was crying as she told me Dad had extensive cancer. Started in his kidney, spread to his lung and a small area in his brain. He had no insurance, so they sent him home. We tried for a week to get my dad treatment, but the waiting lists are extensive and for someone with no insurance, well. . .they don't want you. Finally the cough was worse, and my mom took him to a different hospital. They checked him in and said he needed to have that kidney removed. His surgery went well, and the day after he was improving, then he declined. It was only a few days after that, with his wife, his mother, and his daughter at his bed side, he crossed over. I was able to hold his hand and tell him I love him.

The bond my father and I have is not severed by death, for his spirit still is very much alive. He told me the night before his surgery "I'd rather go quickly than waste away with cancer." My dad was a good man. One person acurately described him as "think of the nicest person you know and Henry is even nicer than that." It is no exaggeration. And, through mercy, he got his wish. He got an infection and died of sepsis. He was at Stage 4 cancer, so every day would have only been a struggle for one more day.

But that does not mean my heart does not still cry out for him each night. He did make it to that last pow wow that weekend. And we were late, missed the grandparent's dance, but went out on an intertribal. It was our grandparent's dance. And I cried, afraid, and he said "I'll be here next year." He will, but just not in the same way as before.

I love you, Dad. I'll spend my life honoring your memory. And to my powwows.com family who remember me. . .this is where I've been.

Singing Eagle

Awww Traci - I'm so sorry for your loss. But thank you for taking time to tell us a little about this wonderful man who is so important to you.

My dad left us two years ago this April but unfortunately I couldn't be there to hold his hand - it's something I'm still coming to terms with.

Know that if you want to talk or if you need a cyber shoulder to cry on - I'm here for you! Hope that James and the babies are well. Take care!

saukpuppet

Losing a parent is hard. I lost my mom Dec. 7, 2004. (uncle Sherman Blalock and uncle Billy McClellan this year too.)It was a terrible thing. I moved to Oklahoma in July because my husband was leaving for Iraq and I found out I was pregnant. So naturally, I came home to be with my family until my husband comes home. Then in October, my mom fell ill. (rare brain disorder) She was in the hospital for about a month and then they released her to Hospice Care. We sat there everyday watching her die, knowing that the end was near. (well, not me because I was in denial)
Anyway, when that day came......it seems like its still here. A neverending hurtful time that I don't know how to deal with. But what keeps me going is knowing my husband is coming home, knowing the baby will be here soon and knowing that I still have a loving father.
You still have a loving mom, God Bless you and your family.

__________________
WHEN FACED WITH A CHALLENGE, LOOK FOR A WAY NOT A WAY OUT.
Death: The pain passes but the beauty remains.

CHEROSAGE

I,too, can understand the lose. We lost my dad in '99. I had to ensure him that mom and his affairs would be taken care of.
He continued to linger in a coma until I let him go. I didn't want to let him go but knew it was what he needed. I also had to let a sister go(as did many others). It seemed that as soon as we agreed to allow her to go she was at rest and passed over. It was all sad but necessary.

I will think of you and your family for your grief.

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BOB

travelingmocs

Losing a parent or any family member is really hard. I lost my dad alomost seven years ago while I was sining at a pow-wow. I was five hours away from him. He went peacifully, but not being there was the hardest part I felt gult for a long time. But god finally taught me he went for a reason and it was his time, but things happen for reasons and we may never understand them. And like god, the sprits of our loved ones are always with us watching over us. I will pray for you Traci.

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If I do not know the answer someone else will!!!!
Also forgive me, this system does not have a spell check so forgive the bad spelling

Singing Otter

My heart goes out to you. I lost my daddy 3 years ago and I miss him dearly.

** on a lighter note**
My sister called me from Texas and was telling me about her day at the hospital. She goes,"Girl, I lost a patient today". Now I'm thinking dang, oh my god....and say, "I'm so sorry", then she goes,"NO!!! I LOST him. He's an alzheimers patient!!! He jus got up and walked out da hospital in drawers and bedroom slippers"!

** hope it got a smile**

Much love.

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traci_m

Awwwwe. . .I missed you all so much. Thanks for understanding and sharing. It is odd. . .grief and loss through death is one thing we all have in common, but it makes us (or me at this point) feel very isolated.

And yes, that joke did bring a smile. ;) Thanks.

AngelFeather

sorry for your loss, and thankyou for sharing with us here...
Please accept my condolences... and youre right we all have this in common but it can make us feel so alone... Just know that youre not.
My prayers are with you.

Smokin' Ace

Hugs Traci - you have certainly been missed. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but you said it - he is still there - his spirit is. Thank you so much for sharing...I lost my Grandmother in November. And yeah, it hurts, but I am glad that she is not suffering any longer - she is at peace, as is your dad. He loves you so much and misses you all too, you know?

Ditto to what everyone else said - I am here if you just wanna talk about him - silly, funny, crazy, sad moment - just let me know.

I will say a prayer for you and yours...bless you.

And yes Singing Otter, you def got a chuckle out of me...that's a hoot.

__________________
Everything is gonna be alright!

Be blessed - got love???

This b me.....

www.myspace.com/akayo

Yaquila

I stayed with my father and cared for him for two weeks after he was sent home from the hospital to die.I know what your going through right now.I've been there.I was also close to my father and i miss him very much.You know what?after two years it will get better.My dad was 85 when he died 3 years ago.I stayed in his bed room when i was caring for him.After he died they left him there for 5 hours before taking him.That night after they took him ,i stayed in his room.Guess what happen...My dad came to see me in his room that night about 1:00 in the morning.I was so happy that he did that.He didn't say anything,He was just looking at me.So i know i will see him again after this life. So take care and remember one thing we are all here for you if you need to talk ok.