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Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen:

This is your Captain Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We
apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather
and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight
no. 9211(Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not
guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your
village.

Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly
with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over
90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones
that don't quite make
it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for
consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-
court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on
passenger
request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free
fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits.For our
religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
quickly find out whether God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be
flying right next to Air
India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin
windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing
convenience. For passengers
with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your
seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways
flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early
warning system on the engines telling us to slow down.

Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes
are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the
uncles, for emergency
water landings on any of our five rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.

And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in
touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom
seat. If you do sit
there,please do not flush frequently because it may result in
shortage of water we require for your tea.

I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs
flying instructions from time to time.

For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant
Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's
seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.

Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.