kitchemanitou

My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break you neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk yo you...Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me Humor... "When that lawn mower cutts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favirite thing - JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...Then you'll see what it's like."

Some military safety tips Simple yet eloquent : --------------------------------- "AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

IN GOD WE TRUST !

In Honor of Stupid People...........*IP*
Category:(Humor) Created:(2/25/2005 2:28:00 PM) Viewed (479 times)
I received this email and thought it was pretty funny and would pass it along. I didn't write the comments after the were in the email....



In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)